The source is not us

By John Pearring

https://bible.usccb.org/bible/readings/040624.cfm
Acts 4:13-21
Mark 16:9-15

How long did it take for the disciples of Jesus to get to the point where they could say the following under the threat of severe penalty? “Whether it is right in the sight of God for us to obey you rather than God, you be the judges. It is impossible for us not to speak about what we have seen and heard.”

Did Peter and John always believe that Jesus was truly God? They witnessed his preaching, healing, disappearing, dying, and rising. They proclaimed him as the Messiah. They thought they believed him, but they fled when he was accosted and crucified.

Even after running to his tomb, the disciples were still gripped by grief and grappling with unbelief. Despite Mary of Magdalene’s witness that he had risen, they could not fully comprehend what was happening and found solace in a sealed room. 

But later, as the Eleven were at table, he appeared to them and rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart because they had not believed those who saw him after he had been raised.

Their struggle with belief humanizes the disciples for our benefit. A profound transformation was about to occur. The eleven did not request it. Jesus breathed the Holy Spirit upon them, forever changing their hearts and minds. 

Weeks later, Jesus ascended to heaven in glory, and they watched, running over all that Jesus had told them in their minds. Their witness soon after at Pentecost confirmed their conversion, a total transformation. Peter’s speech after Pentecost set the new standard for the followers of Christ.

“Peter said, God raised this Jesus; of this we are all witnesses. Exalted at the right hand of God, he received the promise of the holy Spirit from the Father and poured it forth, as you (both) see and hear.”

Should we separate their conversion path from ours? Are we so different from them?

We argue about this. The early disciples could be sure because they spent three years at his feet, brushing elbows, experiencing his touch and intimacy. After he ascended and left them a mission, left them the Eucharistic Feast, and wrapped them in the Holy Spirit, then they could be sure. 

Imagine the transformative power of faith that melds our hearts and minds together, just as it did for those early disciples. This profound understanding of God and our willing submission to him can alter the course of our lives, just as it did for John and Peter. 

Our perspective shifts once we truly recognize who God is and how he has revealed himself to us. After living an exhaustive, daily trial of trying to control our surroundings and future, God gave us the gift of faith. Perhaps we’re still unwrapping that gift. The shift we experience is similar to that of John and Peter. It takes time and miraculous encounters. We never controlled our past, present, and future. Our every positive step has been inspired, even when we didn’t know Jesus. 

I’m certain all the apostles struggled with this shift, a purposeful surrender of our imagined authorship of existence with submission to moment-by-moment cooperation with God's divine plan.

We want desperately to be the source of truth, but that’s the wrong desire. The source is not us. The same problem applies to belief. We want desperately to believe, but it is God who will show us how to believe. 

Without each other, we will likely fail to remember that God encounters us, not the other way around. On our own, we begin to imagine that we discovered God. We believe it was us who found him. We may kneel, but we control the invitation for God to be with us when we choose it. We remain in charge. 

In the early days of our conversion, we may still have imagined us orchestrating the future. We likely envisioned a stable existence and constant good health, with evil kept at bay and our needs met. We existed before Jesus in survival mode, yearning for something different. Life with God here doesn’t give us a controlled environment — stability, freedom from evil, permanent healing, or prosperity. It’s hard to learn this, much less accept it. God gives us companionship, witnessing that saves souls, delight in beauty, glory in suffering, joy in other's awakening, and intimacy that overcomes adversity’s anger.

With the Father’s authority in our hearts, the Son’s bread of life nourishing our bodies, and the Holy Spirit’s gathering of us together, the future is right now. There’s always more to come — exciting and challenging. But, like Peter and John, we should be eager to say to anyone who challenges or dismisses us, “Whether it is right in the sight of God for us to obey you rather than God, you be the judges. It is impossible for us not to speak about what we have seen and heard.”